Day Nineteen (Faith)

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I am an overthinker. This is both a blessing and a curse. I need to think my way out of problems, I analyze every angle of an issue, and I collect all the little details. The good and the bad. But if there is one thing I have learned about life, it is that there is no use trying to figure it all out. No use trying to understand it, trying to come up with little theories and tricks, or trying to create a clear and easy gameplan. Life laughs at such absurd attempts at control.

I am notoriously horrid at goodbyes, uncertainty, and letting go.  I do not like looking into the future and having no idea what lies ahead. I do not like taking risks, caring about people too much, letting people in, or getting too comfortable. It hurts far too much to lose it all. All of these emotions are frankly exhausting. I am tired of losing people. I am tired of being the person who always cares more. I am tired of letting myself and others down. I am tired of my life being uprooted. It honestly just hurts too damn much.

When I graduated High School, I did not handle the change gracefully. Losing all of my friends, all my mentors, and my entire home was no easy task. It broke my heart, shattered my soul, and left me as a mess. I have been utterly terrified of repeating this heartbreak again. So much so that college has been a race to figure out how to escape this kind of pain. Do I not let people in? Do I keep people at a distance? Do I refuse to settle down? Do I make the goodbyes final and tie up loose ends?

I don’t have an answer. I wish I did, but I don’t. However, here is what I have learned. Life goes on. Life is unpredictable. Life will happen whether you want it to or not. Life doesn’t really have a plan and life will not always go the way you want it to. But the thing is…don’t ever let that stop you. Today I was reading the book “This Lullaby” by Sarah Dessen and there was a moment that threw me for a loop. One of the characters basically said “Yeah, my heart’s been broken before. But you deal with that and you move on. I’d rather have my heart broken than live a life without love”. It’s a cliche statement that seems obvious. But it’s a hard statement to really believe after you’ve been hurt before. I have been hurt before. But I’m also standing here today. Back on my feet again. I got fired my first job, both my grandparents died, I lost a bunch of my friends, and I lost myself. But I also found two new jobs that I loved which introduced me to life-changing characters, made amazing new friends, and found a version of myself I never knew existed. Life falls apart and life gets back together.

Fact of the matter is, life is going to suck sometimes. There is no way to avoid that. There is no way to plan for that. There is no way to escape it. But pain, like every other emotion, is only temporary. I thought, after High School, I would never see many of my friends again. Over the course of these four years, many of my friends have reappeared in one way or another. Whether it be through my own efforts, my friends efforts, mutual friends, or random situations. I lost people who I could never have imagined living my life without. At first it was near impossible. The pain was unbearable. But, with time, the wounds healed. Life moved on. Things changed. Things got better, even. Things have a way of working out in the end.

The hard part of this all is that there is no way to prepare for life. No way to beat the system or even to develop little tricks. I’m used to cheating the system. Finding little hacks to get through classes and social dynamics. But life isn’t quite that simple. How can you possibly prepare for the unknown? All that’s left to do is to have faith. Things may get worse. In fact, they most likely will. Things might get better. In fact, they most likely will too. But there is no way to know for sure. Try everything. But, most importantly, let love in. Whenever, wherever, and however you can. Fate and destiny are complicated. But love is always good. This may sound trite (god, I’m just a walking ball of cliches, aren’t I?), but what is meant to be in your life will find it’s way back. So what? You choose the wrong career path? You marry the wrong partner? You push away your friends? It’s not the end of the world. You turn around and find a new career path. You divorce your husband. You reach out to your friends again and mend those bridges. Even loss and grief get easier with time. All you need is faith (and trust and a little bit of pixie dust).

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