Day Thirty-Four (Money)

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I have always been a firm believer that money is the source of evil. People will kill, betray, lie, hurt, and ruin other people’s lives just to get some pieces of paper that indicate wealth and fortune. People lose themselves in the pursuit of these demonic green little slips of paper. People forget themselves. Life begins and ends over it. Pride, gluttony, selfishness, vanity…this paper is like a gateway drug to hell. I have never been materialistic. I value experiences over objects. I value people over things. And then, today, I chose work over spending the day with my family for father’s day.

At first, I didn’t care much. I stood by my choice. My family was spending the day at boring museums, anyway. But then, as I saw the Facebook posts roll in and as I saw how happy my family was together, I began to regret my decision. Was I choosing money over family? It’s not like work is exactly a fun enjoyable place to be. I was trapped with coworkers that I didn’t like. The entire morning was busy. I lost a part of my uniform (my hat) and had to pick one up off the floor. God only knows what kind of lice I have now. Losing the hat also caused me so much anxiety that I barely slept last night, had terrible nightmares when I did, and woke up at 5am. So work isn’t exactly a walk in the park. But I chose going to work over spending the day with my family. Why? For the money?

All of my anxiety at the current moment seems to be focused on one thing. Money. My student loans are looming over me like the shadow of death. Suddenly everything I do seems to cost me an arm and a leg. I have not yet found a job in my field but I’m searching every single day. The most exciting thing going on in my daily life is working at a movie theatre making people popcorn. When I’m not there, I’m either doing data entry or trying to add in some hours for my internship. The rest of the time is spent reading, writing, analyzing, and trying to get together with friends before I start whatever is the next stage of my journey. But even that time is usually clouded over with thoughts of “What is my purpose”, “What is the right career path”, “How will I ever survive in this world”, and the lovely “How can I be happy while also making a living”?

It all comes back to this tiny slips of paper. I’ve gone from disregarding them to being a slave to it. A slave to this capitalistic society. A slave to crippling debt. I’m starting to understand why cash makes people a little nutty. And that facts terrifies me.

I hate money with a passion. I hate business. I hate the fact that the world runs on wealth, status, and power. It’s absolute bullshit. And, with the current political situation, it’s only going to get worse. Because electing a rich entitled businessman and his selfish greedy cronies was definitely a good decision. Just watch almost any kids film. But I am afraid that part of growing up comes with the idea that…well, a lot of reality depends on money. The world is run on it. You just have to suck it up. I’m not saying I’m suddenly going to become a businesswoman. God, no. Marketing, Accounting, and the medical professions (I haven’t the mind for science) are out of the realm of possibility too. But the fact that money matters is an unfortunate staple of reality. Who knew growing up would be so enlightening, huh?

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