Day Forty-Two (Infatuation)

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Over the course of my life, I have had too many crushes to count. It’s seriously really embarrassing how many guys I have liked over the course of my life. You would think, after liking so many guys, that I would either get tired of all the crushing or I would move up a level and start actually pursuing guys. Nope. My heart shows no signs of stopping. I guess I’m just going to have to keep muddling my way through my confusing tangled feelings until I finally get where I’m trying to go. It’s so hard for me not to just start fangirling over the latest crush right now. But I’m going to restrain myself. By this time next year, it will probably be a different person who I’m obsessing over anyway.

At the current moment, I have found that I have two different types of crushes. Well, I have about a bajillion-since every single person is a unique individual and my relationship with each person varies. Either way, the two types I have identified are the “Freight Train Crush” and the “Slowburn Crush”. Sometimes you can be friends with somebody for years without ever seeing them in a romantic light. Then one day, without warning, it’s like some feelings switch is turned on. Like your heart wasn’t paying attention and just got the memo that this person is perfect for you. Then comes the panicking, then the “WHAT IN TARNATION IS THIS”, and finally acceptance. But it’s a scarier road. More fulfilling in many ways. Because, under all the hormones, the feelings are still rooted in a deep friendship. And friendship is a beautiful thing.

Then there is the “Freight Train Crush”. These are extremely rare. It’s when you first meet someone and immediately your feelings wake up like “WHO IS THIS PERSON? WHERE HAVE THEY BEEN ALL MY LIFE? I LOVE THEM”. Even though you just met them two seconds ago, your feelings have already been decided and you’re going on this rollercoaster whether you like it or not. Good luck to ya. These types of crushes are fun experiences and they usually serve as lessons. They’re a rollercoaster of emotions and there’s no way to get off. You’ve just got to ride out the feelings and hope you land on the other side in one piece.

Of course, infatuation comes in many shapes and sizes. It works best when you don’t know all that you wish you knew about the person. The mystery keeps the “romance” alive. It’s part of the reason it’s so easy to love fictional characters. We don’t see all of their day-to-day flaws and quirks. We only see them as an idea, a plot point, or a storm of tropes. We don’t interact with them every single day and we don’t see the boring sides. It’s easy to like someone when they are far away like that.

But infatuation is not the same thing as love. Not by a long shot. Love is deeper, love is more authentic, and love is true. Love is caring about someone even when it’s not convenient or easy. Love is wanting to spend as much time as possible with someone. Love is wanting your life to be shared with another person. Not the fairytale. But a real-life person. Love is trust, care, respect, and friendship. Love is selfless. No matter what type of infatuation it is, infatuation can never be completely real. It is pinning your hopes and dreams on a fairytale. I have never been in love. But I get the feeling that it will be a hell of a lot better than this. I’ve just got to keep waiting, hoping, and trying. Maybe stop hiding from people I like or getting my hopes up too early? Maybe try to mix a little reality in with the fantasy? Maybe just let things happen as they will? I don’t have the answers. But I like to believe that one day it will all become clear…

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