Day Fifty-Two (Unpredictability)

 

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I never really liked this movie. Aside from Alice, most of the characters are pretentious confusing jerks. All they do is belittle and insult Alice for not understanding their arbitrary rules. Although I do have a soft spot for The Mad Hatter, The March Hare, and The Dormouse. The Dormouse was one of the first roles I ever played in High School and I would defend that sleepy little mouse to the death. Anyway, none of this is the point of today’s topic. No, today’s topic is unpredictability. The character’s in this film are unpredictable, if nothing else.

Today, for the first time in a long while, I did not have work. I did have a work scheduling conflict to fix, a job interview to prepare for, and some laundry and tidying up to take care of though. But mostly I just had a day with my fandoms, my thoughts, and my feelings. It was so relaxing and much needed. Either way, my job interview set me to thinking about the future. Thinking about the future made me think about the past. When was I the happiest? How did I get there? What did I do then that I can do in the future to reach happiness and contentment again? While brooding over this topic, I came to a sudden realization. Most of my favorite memories and most life-changing experiences came from things that I just felt were right to do at the time. They didn’t come from things I planned far in advance. They didn’t come from classes or career goals.

When I think of the things in my past that I loved, I think of the people and the activities I became involved with. Auditioning for the school musical my Junior Year because I saw the musical the previous two years and really wanted to try my hand at it. Picking up a book from the library because the cover looked cool. Trying out fencing because my three best friends all recommended it to me. Working at an ice cream store and a movie theater because I applied to whatever place I could think of. All of the English and Arts classes I took because we all have electives to fill.

None of these things were carefully planned out decisions. They were all just me following my gut instinct. Seeing something I liked and/or wanted and going for it. Seeing where it led. When the college door closed, it felt like a million more doors opened. Too many doors to count. I no longer have a piece in the game to move at my leisure. The game is gone. I’m just a piece hanging in mid-air, unsure of where to go. But who said your identity has to be based upon your career? Who ever said that your job defines you? Who ever said life was predictable?

Looking into the future terrifies me. All I seem to see are incorrect paths. If I choose to be a therapist, I cannot be a writer. If I choose to be a writer, I have to dedicate my entire life to writing. If I choose to do community theater, I cannot be a therapist too. It’s like this infuriating puzzle where if you open one door, two more close. So how do you find a way to open all the doors? No matter which way I turn, it seems like a major door is slammed shut and it’s game over.

But the thing is…life is unpredictable. It’s never really game over. Best friends, crushes, mentors…they come from the randomest of places. You’ve just got to make a move and then follow your heart. Just do what you feel is best and if it turns out that it’s not what’s best? Well your heart will tell you so. And you’ll alter your course again. Choose a direction that feels right. There is no way to avoid going in the wrong direction sometimes. But life is unpredictable. The best things happen by chance. So roll the dice. See where it lands. You can’t prepare yourself for the perfect happy road. Life’s too unpredictable. You can only do your best and follow where your heart leads. There’s no way of knowing where you’ll end up.

“When you’re a kid, they tell you it’s all… grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that’s it. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It’s so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better.”-Doctor Who

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