Day Fifty-Five (Decisions)

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I hate making decisions. I hate deciding where to eat. I hate deciding when to go to sleep. I hate deciding if I should reach out to friends or not. I hate deciding what movie or television show to watch next. I hate deciding what guy to like, what career to pursue, and what direction to take my life. I hate any and all types of decisions. Okay, that’s not exactly the truth. Decisions are not the problem. The problem is accepting the consequences of my decisions and taking responsibility for what happens next. Every decision has repercussions. There are pros and cons to each choice made. And I hate it. 

Before a decision is made, everything seems to clear. There are infinite possibilities. Infinite timelines. The future is open and clear. Anything can happen. I like that feeling. I like knowing that I have many different options. But once a decision is made, the course alters. One door opens and a thousand more slam shut. The people who you might have met before you will now never meet. The places you would have gone before you will now never see. The things you might have done you will now never do. Instead, you will meet different people. Go different places. Do different things. Every decision comes with a price. And that price is all on my conscience and mine alone. It’s hard not to be intimidated by that level of responsibility.

I knew before today that I hated decision making. I have always been an indecisive person. Now it’s just catching up to me. But what I didn’t realize until today is that all of my “existentialism” and “nihilism” is really just me being terrified of making a choice. That the only way out of this eternal limbo is to just make up my mind. Or I’ll be stuck here in the void forever. The answer seems so obvious. The only way out of my current conflict is to just make a decision. What decision should I make? Well that answer isn’t clear at all. But what is clear is that I can’t keep stalling forever.

What I also didn’t realize until today is that…this issue applies to every single facet of my life. Why am I not confident in myself? Well, because I don’t know who I am anymore. With no direction and goals, it’s easy to lose myself. There’s no finish line to reach for. Every story needs a mission, a purpose, or an end goal. Character’s need something to strive for. It’s what makes us root for them. Why am I still single right now? Well, because I refuse to honestly truly like anyone. I’ll get passing infatuations, sure. But I would never in a million years even hint to the person of my true feelings. If they suspected how I felt, I might have to actually confront my emotions. I might actually have to make a choice and pursue the person. Then I can’t have any more crushes and I’ve made a decision and oh god all those possibilities and doors are suddenly shut I can’t do that. What if he’s not my perfect guy? What if they like me back and I discover that I didn’t really like them the way I thought I did? oh god nope too much pressure.

It explains a lot of my anxiety of speaking up about my feelings in general, too. If I tell anyone what I really think and feel, my thoughts and feelings are suddenly out there. They are no longer my private problem to deal with. Or ignore. Now they’re out there and I have to own up to what I think and feel. That idea is terrifying. Suddenly changing my mind seems so complicated.

Decisions have never been my forte. I’m not good at taking responsibility for my choices or accepting the consequences. I want to keep all the doors open forever. I want to deal with my feelings and thoughts alone. I don’t want to get other people involved. I don’t want to deal with all that messiness and confrontation. I don’t want my private life to make it into the real world where it can be judged, scrutinized, and where it can affect others. I also want it more than anything. At least now I know what the core issue is and the next step is finding a way to move past this fear. Ironically enough, I truly believe that by getting past this fear, I will open many doors that have been shut my whole life. Course, this is all easier said than done. But it’s a process. The first step is realizing and accepting the problem.

 

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