Day Sixty-Four (Boredom)

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I feel a little hesitant to use this as the topic of the day, being as I’m sure this will be a common issue for the next…oh, say, rest of my life. And that’s being optimistic. Right now I am in a rut. A slump. A depressive stage. The void. Whatever you’d like to call it. The past is the past. The future has yet to happen. As for the present? Right now I have nothing really going for me. Not until I finally step up and make a decision, anyway. Which doesn’t seem to be something that will happen anytime soon. Once I make the right decision, I will feel it in my bones. For now? I have absolutely zero idea what I am doing. So I’m mostly just standing still, paralyzed in fear. And drowning in boredom.

There are a lot of bad places to go, bad emotions to feel, and bad things to do. Feeling bored isn’t really a major destructive problem. It’s not great either, though. It’s just…nothing. Like the taste of water. It’s not exactly appetizing, but it’s not disgusting either. It just…is. It’s not like my day today was totally blank. I watched an episode of the TV Show I’ve been watching. I read a bit of the book I’ve been reading. I finished Les Miserables. I read some fanfiction. I ate lunch and dinner. I got in screaming matches with my parents over how I’m “not doing anything with my life”. You know. The usual. But it wasn’t really anything motivating. Nothing inspirational. Nothing exciting. It was all just wasting time and trying to make the day go by faster. Which is no way to live a life. It’s not really living, is it? It’s just existing. Living, but only just.

Boredom is hardly an “end of the world” problem. But for me, at the current moment, it’s a warning sign. If I keep this up for too long, it’ll become a habit. Then it’ll become a routine. Then it’ll become my life. And, while I may not think too highly of myself, I do respect myself enough to know that I’m meant for something more than this. I don’t know exactly what I’m meant for, but I know that it is something. And I’m not going to find that “something” by sitting in my room and waiting for my epiphany to hit. I have to go out into the world and try my hand at it. Somehow. Take chances. Make risks. Live my life. 

My whole life, due to my social anxiety mainly, I have often played the role of an outsider. I was always a chorus member in my own story. A passive observer, a bystander, and an unimportant extra. I occasionally slip past this and take on a more active role, but it usually takes some trial-and-error and I never play the lead. Or the villain, for what it’s worth. But it’s time to end that trend. To take my life back by the reigns and live it the way I was meant to. I’m not going to live out my life in my childhood bedroom, passing the time by escaping into books and television programs. I know I’m meant for something more. But only I have the power to get there.

I have a poster hanging on my wall of The 11th Doctor. This poster is there to remind me that “The world is a gigantic place. Earth alone has so much to offer and not nearly enough time to experience it all. Let alone what may or may not be lurking outside this planet. Nobody is allowed to say they’re bored”. With so many endless possibilities in the world around us, not to mention within ourselves, it’s a bit foolish to assume that life is “boring” or “lifeless”. There is always adventure lurking just outside the door. But you’ve got to open the door first. Take a step in some direction, any direction. Adventures don’t come to you in your little cave. No, you stumble upon them when you least expect it. So I’ve got to take a chance. Get out of my room. Go somewhere. Anywhere. I’m not going to die without first getting the chance to live.

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