Day Seventy (Honesty)

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I try to be a good person. I don’t always succeed, but I do my best to wake up every morning and do what is right. Otherwise the guilt will eat me alive. One of my core values is honesty. After reading Just Listen by Sarah Dessen in 8th Grade, I made a promise to myself that I would no longer lie. No white lies. No big lies. No harmless lies. Of course, I haven’t always kept that promise. I don’t think that would even be possible. But I’ve done my very best and now honesty has become a core part of my personality. Sometimes I hedge around the truth, but I very very rarely flat-out lie. When I do, I’m horribly unconvincing anyway.

Sometimes being a genuinely honest person all the time is a curse. I don’t know when to turn it off and I oftentimes unintentionally offend close friends and family members. I have to awkwardly skirt around some questions so as not to create conflict. And so much of this world deals in bullshit. Most people lie all the time. There is no way to get ahead without at least a little bullshitting. This brings me to today’s conflict. Job interviews.

Job Interviews require honesty. It’s probably not a great idea to lie on your resume or to make stuff up at your interview. It’ll only fuck you over in the end. Even so, interviews are just a game of saying the right things in the right way. Of having the right body language. It’s all a game of talking yourself up and tooting your own horn. Which, of course, I’m terrible at. I can’t pretend. I mean, unless it’s literally for a play. I’ve spent too many years training myself to be honest at all times to turn it off. I value honesty.

Even so, I will admit that I have a bad habit of lying by omission. I can have a burning rage flowing through me and I won’t say a word. I can be furious with someone and I’ll just swallow down the anger. I can be on the verge of tears and say that I’m “just fine”. I can have intense feelings for somebody and I would never even dream of breathing a word about it aloud. So while I technically am not a liar, I’m the world’s biggest sham. I just hide beneath my silence.

I think honesty is vital to communication. How are we supposed to understand one another if we’re putting up fake fronts? How are we supposed to forge genuine connections? So many problems could just be solved if we all just manned up and were honest and open with each other. But the world is built on lies. Maybe my life would be better if I had the ability to bullshit and fake it. But “fake” just isn’t in my skill sets. Honesty is crucial to me.

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