Day Eighty-One (Identity)

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Who am I? It seems like such a straightforward question and everyone loves to ask it. But what if you don’t know? It’s not exactly a simple question to know who, at your core, you are. Because no one thing defines you. Not your friends. Not your family. Not your hobbies. Not your passions. Not your career. Not your personality traits. Not your thoughts and beliefs. What makes up the idea that is “you” is something that is made up of all of these different components. And more. And, if that seems complicated, that’s the easy part. Why did you choose the friends you chose? How has your family influenced you. Why do you like what you like? What makes you good at your career? Are you defining your personality traits based on your self-perception or how others see you? Which thoughts and beliefs really count and which are nonsense? It’s a mess of complication.

I am not even going to try and touch upon the topic of identity. I’m nowhere near figuring myself out. I don’t think I ever will be. However, I believe that it is important to have a general grasp on yourself if you want to get anywhere in life. How can you lead a genuine and authentic life if you’re unsure of who you are? How can you be happy without knowing what makes you happy in the first place? Today was an epic flawless day and that was for one simple reason. Today I got to indulge in a large segment of the major components of my personality. And it felt so fucking freeing.

I began my day with an interview at a nearby library to work part-time at. I walked in and saw the books and was instantly in love. I love books. The room where I was being interviewed held books such as Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, and Narnia. I could barely contain my excitement. In fact, I may have geeked out a little. Hopefully that works in my favor instead of convincing the interviewer that I’m insane…anyway. I spent my afternoon at an interview for a TSS position. I got lost, but was lucky enough to find some really helpful workers to show me where to go. As I met the residents who I would be working with, should I get the job, I instantly felt my heart warm. Here was a place where I could actually make a difference. It felt like this was where I was meant to be. In the late afternoon, I wandered the internet on tumblr, youtube, and tvtropes. I obsessed over fandoms. It was a great way to wind down after a long day of interviews. In the evening/dawn/night, I saw a cool gothic circus in a graveyard. It was fucking awesome. I then topped my night off with a viewing of “Heathers: The Musical” on YouTube, indulging my theatre obsessiveness. All in all, a wonderful day.

One of the issues currently in my life is that I am struggling to choose a pathway. Today was a perfect case for why this struggle is so difficult. I love to read and write. It’s not a simple hobby, it’s my passion. I would not be who I am today without books. But I also love helping others and looking out for the underdog. I didn’t get a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology without loving the subject. My interest in Psychology may not have been something that I was born with, but it is now a crucial part of me. Fandoms are my way of relaxing and I’d be lost without my ability to obsess over fictional realms. It’s always just been a part of what makes me…well, me. Going on adventures and anything spooky has also always been an interest. There’s a reason I binge-read the Goosebumps series and adored Courage the Cowardly Dog as a kid. Lastly, musical theatre means the world to me. I wouldn’t have half my friends, mentors, crushes, and greatest memories without it. A life without theatre is no life at all.

Perhaps that is the answer. Trying to choose one passion, screw the rest, is no way to live a full and authentic life. It’s like cutting off a limb to salvage the whole. Sure, you’ll survive. But you’ll also be missing a limb. And this isn’t even the total of my identity. Just a brief overview of some of the things I love. Ignoring any one of these passions would be harmful to the overall picture.

I am who I am. There is no denying this. No ignoring it and hoping it’ll go away. No settling with a clear conscience. Sitting in these interviews and talking up my experiences was a great lesson in how far I have already come. I’m not a strange hermit who has failed at life and is destined to end up alone and lost. I could end up that way, but I don’t have to. I’ve made it so far already, how could I give up now? There is only one me. We are all special and unique. Every single person. We’ve just got to realize and recognize our individuality and play to our strengths. Be the person we were meant to be. If you’re going to live the dream life, make sure it’s your dream that you’re living.

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