Day Eighty-Five/Eighty-Six (Challenges)

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Today I called my old University and made an appointment to meet with the career center. I also met with a Job Recruiter to hear what she had to say. And, finally, I spent my night attending an online camp counselor training session. I missed the last few events at my old summer camp to do these “adult” things. Which is kind of depressing, considering how this camp is only once a year. Anyway, it’s better that I do these boring tasks then sit around and wait for life to happen. It’s only been one summer and already, the “sit around and wait patiently” strategy is stretching me to the limits of my sanity. This game plan might be safe, but it’s also boring as hell. It’s time I start moving.

Is calling career counseling going to solve my problems? Probably not. But it’s doing something. It’s taking a step in some direction and seeing where it leads. It could lead me in the complete wrong direction. But at least I’m wandering somewhere, instead of standing motionless. Even though acting as an adult is really a very boring role to play. It’s like theatre, just without the thrill or adrenaline high. Or the applause and comradery. Honestly, it kinda sucks. There’s no class on “how to be an adult”. It’s something you just have to figure out for yourself. The majority of my life has been spent in classrooms and I feel completely unprepared for the notorious “real world”. Huh.

But, what really makes me think about challenges, is the counselor training session I attended tonight. I never intended to be a camp counselor ever. I signed up to help with setting up and closing down the camp. Then I got saddled into visiting the office every so often in the months leading up to the camp. Then, somehow, I wound up as a counselor. Everything spun out of my control and here I am. Tackling a task I never, in a million years, thought I would be doing. I’ve avoided this position like the plague. Now here I am and the idea terrifies me. I’m the youngest child. I don’t know how to act around kids. I have massive social anxiety. I never went to a real camp. I don’t know anyone there and the camp site is an hour and a half away. Also, unfortunately, I will not be able to make a journal entry on Day 100. The use of technology is discouraged at the camp, except in case of an emergency. But maybe I’ll use my break period on that day to write up an entry. We’ll see how it goes. I have no clue what to expect.

But, after feeling the initial surge of terror, I felt an odd sense of relief and gratitude. When I first got that role two summers ago, I remember sitting backstage and thinking “Oh my god, I have to actually perform. How am I going to do this??? I haven’t done this in years!!!” then I paused and thought with a sense of giddiness “Wait, I’m nervous about being in a play! I haven’t been this nervous since High School! Aw, I missed this! I’m so happy to be nervous!” And that’s how I feel again. Nervous and panicked, but happy to be so scared. It means I’m putting myself out there and challenging myself. Doing something I’ve never done before that is totally out of my depth. Praying I come out of the other end in one piece. Which is hardly guaranteed.

But what is life without challenges? How else are we supposed to grow? My life has been a series of taking on more than I can bear and having to lift the load anyway. Being utterly overwhelmed before swallowing my fear and learning what to do. Then coming out the other side thinking “Holy SHIT. I actually did that” and adding it to my list of accomplishments. It’s not about me, anyway. It’s about making a difference.

So maybe I took on a challenge that’s completely out of my comfort zone. Maybe that’s okay. Better than sitting around my house stagnating. We’ll see where I end up after that week. I have a feeling, for better or for worse, that my life is about to change. That I’m about to change. And maybe that’s okay, too.

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