Day Ninety-One (Fate)


I believe in fate. I can’t read my own fate and I have no idea whatsoever on what the future holds. But I do believe in fate. The reason I chose this picture today is because this song was a life-changing moment for me. “And the call isn’t out there at all, it’s inside me”, Moana sings. That one line turned my head around. Changed my perspective. Snapped everything into place.

In the story of Moana, Moana longs to explore the sea. She knows she has some great purpose out there on the water, but her village and her parents warn her to stay on land. She tries to be the dutiful young princess, but she can’t resist the call of the ocean. Eventually she leaves the island, goes on an adventure, and saves the day. When I saw this movie with my sister, I couldn’t help but relate to Moana. My parents want me to lead the cookie-cutter nuclear family american dream. That would certainly be a nice, easy, and normal path. But my heart has always longed for something else. Something more. I can’t sit still and enjoy the practical pragmatic path. It’s never been for me.

But understanding what this voice inside of me is saying has been immensely frustrating. Does it want to do theatre? Write? Act? What the fuck does it want? I still don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever know. But that isn’t the point. The point is that…I don’t think our fates are written in stone. I don’t believe that everything that will happen is already destined to occur. But I firmly believe that our destinies and fates are within us. They’re in our hearts. When I do something that isn’t right for me, I feel it in every bone in my body. Everything feels wrong, no matter how hard I try to ignore it. It eats me alive. When I do something right, I feel that too. It’s like the train is back on the right track. Like my character is back on her quest. Everything seems to click again and I feel like myself. I can’t control it. It’s just a feeling.

Today I auditioned for another show. It’s a much smaller scale show than the one I auditioned for earlier this summer. I got in. When I told my parents, their reaction was…lackluster. Not very enthusiastic. Mildly judgmental. From their perspective, my main concern at the moment should be getting a job so I can support myself. I get where they are coming from and I agree that this is a major concern. But does this mean I should put the rest of my life on hold while I search for a job? With no knowledge of when that end date will even be? If I’ve learned anything this summer, it’s that I’ve got to start reaching out. Explore. Go on adventures. See what it is I want to do. Create memories. Have new experiences. Test the waters and try new things.

For the first time all summer, I’ve felt like I have a purpose again. It’s a little concerning how often getting into a show has done that for me. Like…when in doubt, do a show. But the camp feels like fate too. Both just feel…right. Like it’s where I was meant to go, what I was meant to do, how I was meant to grow. My parents both treat these two commitments as nonsense and a waste of time. I find that I cannot agree with that assessment. Perhaps it’s not helping with the career issue at present. But it’s something to keep me going, keep me socializing, keep me inspired, and keep me happy. Something to make me feel like me again. To challenge me and help me grow into a better version of myself. And maybe that’s worth something too, yeah?


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